This topic is one that is almost impossible for parents to talk about, and that is parents who’ve just had a kid, usually their first kid, and they don’t get that feeling of being bonded. I’m talking about that feeling that you hear about all the time. People say things like “It hits you like a truck,” or “I just suddenly love this being more than anything,” or “I would run through a brick wall for this kid I just met.”
Well, it might be hard for some to believe, but it doesn’t happen this way all the time. You can imagine why these parents don’t want to share or admit that they feel this way. It can often be part of a postpartum depression or even postpartum psychosis picture, but I’ve seen a lot of cases where this was kind of the only issue moms were facing. Fathers get it too, and they have their own issues sharing it, and getting help for it, if they get help for it at all.
I just want to say three things. One: this happens, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t have that feeling come up for you later, or more slowly. I had a mom tell me she didn’t really feel bonded until her daughter was in grade school. And she was a great mom, and her daughter is doing great.
Two: It doesn’t mean you’re a monster. In 15 years as a pediatrician, I’ve seen some monster parents. I’ve also seen some of the best parents you know admit this to me. And I think just the fact that you’re concerned you don’t have that feeling, means you’re not a monster.
The last thing I want to say is that you should feel safe to bring this up with your pediatrician or OB. Just to have someone safe to talk to, but also because we can look for issues like PPD or find ways to help you adjust, and get through survival mode.
Hope this helped. Comment if you feel you can, but I understand why it’s hard to admit. If you know someone about to have a baby, share this with them. It could make a big difference.
